Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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