pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize