It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
