Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
you never un-have a 4some
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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