My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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