There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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