Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
