Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
