Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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