Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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