I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
