At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
