i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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