Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
