Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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