There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
