She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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