you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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