I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
as a side note pls kill me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
