well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
