There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize