I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
