Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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