Cold hands, warm shart.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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