My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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