i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize