good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The uberlube is also flammable
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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