I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
