im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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