And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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