what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
