Ambien. No doubt about it.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
