May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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