remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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