Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
