Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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