so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
