theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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