I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
