I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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