i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
