seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Michael Bay diarrhea
someone owes me an orgasm
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
