Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
