also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I cannot find my penis.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize