Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
