I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
