awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
