This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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