I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize