i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
