I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
