Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize