If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
