You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
