Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize