Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
