I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
