tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
