Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
