You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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