So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize