she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
